Can I Be Him?
by arthurpendragonz
Summary: A Christmas celebration at Camelot might be the push Arthur needs to finally be honest about his feelings for Merlin.


a/n: for daroh on ao3 as part of the merlin holidays 2017 exchange :D

* * *

 **"You walked into the room and now my heart's been stolen..."**

* * *

Arthur smiled as Gwaine regaled yet another tale of the Knights various deeds throughout this past year. Every retelling added even more embellishments and Arthur struggled not to laugh as his deeds seemed to get even more ridiculous as the story went on.

As Arthur recalled there had been some sort of mythical beast, and it had definitely been slayed, but by who was still fiercely debated. Everyone seemed to think that it was Arthur who had killed it but as he distinctly remembered being knocked out before he'd even had a chance to strike the creature, he doubted that very much.

Half the deeds attributed to Arthur these days were events he could never properly recall. Merlin assured him he really had defeated all manner of monsters and often joked that all those blows to his head were catching up to him.

Another round of raucous laughter broke through Arthur's musings and he was jolted back to the present.

He watched as Gwaine bowed, nodded his head towards Arthur, and winked at several ladies, before swaggering back to the knights table.

Arthur's gaze switched to Merlin who was shaking his head, a wry grin on his lips, as he made his way towards Gwaine to fill up his drink once more.

Arthur watched the exchange with a slight pang. Merlin had always been very free with his expressions and was often quite touchy with people and he seemed to be especially tactile when it came to Gwaine.

It didn't help that Gwaine was very obviously interested in Merlin beyond friendship and if Arthur wasn't pretty sure it was just friendship on Merlin's side he was sure he'd be a lot more uneasy whenever they were together.

That brought Arthur back to a decision he'd made over a week ago.

In the year's since his father had died and Arthur had ascended to the throne a lot of things had changed from how he'd imagined they'd become.

He'd thought that once he was King he would marry Gwen but that had fallen apart almost as soon as Lancelot had returned. Arthur hadn't, and still didn't, begrudge them their happiness. It had been clear to all that their love was something nobody, not even a King, could come between, and Arthur hadn't really wanted to.

He thinks, looking back, that his feelings for Gwen were partly to do with his feelings towards Merlin.

He had loved her, but he didn't think he'd ever been in love with her.

It had been Merlin since they'd met and it had taken Arthur a long time to come to terms with that.

Arthur stood and the hall quietened as he made one last speech and bid everyone goodnight.

He'd enjoyed feasts a lot more when he'd been younger but lately they seemed to take more out of him. They were fast becoming the only part of his life other than diplomatic occasions that felt like an act.

He'd slowly let go of the formal atmosphere around his knights and it had never really been there with Merlin. Of course, the knights still addressed him properly and observed all the correct deference (something Merlin could stand to brush up on), but he was a lot more relaxed now than he used to be.

He caught Merlin's eyes as he began to leave the hall and they exchanged a small nod as understanding passed between them. It still surprised Arthur that they seemed to know each other so thoroughly despite never setting out to do so.

He made his way through the corridors towards his chamber. He'd have a few minutes before Merlin joined him.

Opening the door to his room, Arthur began to undress, shedding his formal attire in exchange for a simple tunic and breeches. He moved towards the table and sat down in the chair nearest the gently crackling fire.

Around ten minutes later Arthur heard the door opening behind him and relaxed further into his chair as the familiar sounds of Merlin's footsteps entered the room.

A jug and two cups were placed on the table and Merlin began pouring them both a drink.

Arthur loved these moments. When it was just them, alone, no kingdom to save and no interruptions. Moments when he was just Arthur and didn't have to pretend to be anything else.

"Reckon we'll have to postpone the next feast for another few weeks at least," Merlin grinned, "Pretty sure Gwaine's going to run Camelot's ale stocks dry by the time he's finished tonight."

Arthur huffed in amusement, shooting Merlin an accusing glare. "And who is it that keeps supplying him with the ale in the first place?"

"It's not my place to tell a knight of Camelot how much to drink." He shot back, taking his own drink and sliding into place on the opposite side of the table, still grinning.

"Forgive me, Merlin, I was under the impression that you seem to enjoy telling your superiors what to do or does your particular brand of disapproval only extend to your King?" Arthur leaned forward, falling into their usual banter.

"My King is a special case." Merlin replied, "Wouldn't want him to think I treat him the same as everyone else."

Arthur rather thought they'd deviated from the topic somewhere in that sentence but instead of brushing it off as he normally would he met Merlin's gaze and played along. "Oh?"

"Yeah, might get jealous." Merlin laughed and dropped his gaze. Arthur saw the beginnings of a blush colour his cheeks and delighted in it.

He decided to push a little further.

"I would."

Merlin's eyes shot back to his and he fumbled with his cup slightly, letting out a strangled breath and laughing weakly.

They continued to look at each other for a few seconds before Arthur cleared his throat and gestured towards his bed.

Merlin's eyes popped wide and Arthur almost laughed out loud but managed to stifle it into a cough. He very much hoped Merlin would end up on his bed at some point tonight, or rather in it, but there was something he wanted to give him first.

"I have a gift for you." Arthur watched Merlin's eyes widen even further and again fought the urge to burst into laughter. He really wanted to know just how far into the gutter Merlin's mind had fallen.

"It's wrapped up, next to one of my pillows."

Merlin blinked and shook his head, finally seeming to pull himself together enough to stand up and make his way towards where Arthur was pointing.

"Arthur…" Merlin sighed and Arthur shivered.

Merlin had always had a way of speaking his name with so much more than just the letters. It felt intimate, like a secret and a declaration and a confession all at once. So much emotion that Arthur almost couldn't stand it.

"You really didn't have to." Merlin brought the package back to the table and sat down again.

"I wanted to." Arthur tried to catch his eyes again but Merlin seemed fascinated with the package so Arthur tried to lighten the mood. "Besides, you've been slightly less irritating lately so I thought you deserved a reward."

Merlin scoffed, rolling his eyes and finally looking up. "I'll be sure to rectify that as soon as possible, Sire."

Arthur ignored the sarcasm and nudged Merlin's foot under the table. "Open it."

Merlin took a deep breath and began tearing at the paper.

Arthur's heart was pounding and he forced himself to relax. It wasn't anything out of the ordinary for Arthur to give him and there was no way Merlin would be able to guess at the hidden meaning behind the gift but Arthur still felt as though he might collapse if he hadn't already been sitting down.

A deep red scarf was slowly uncovered and Arthur held his breath as he waited for Merlin's reaction.

Arthur had made sure it was of the finest quality. It was originally supposed to be blue as Arthur knew Merlin had a particular liking for that colour but an admittedly large streak of possessiveness had overcome him and he'd decided to get him a red one instead. Camelot red. Arthur's red.

He wasn't quite ready to admit that though.

Arthur cleared his throat and spoke. "There's more but it wasn't going to be ready in time. I thought you needed a few new clothes since it's winter now and I know you lost quite a few things when that Chimera tore up our tent last month," Arthur scratched the back of his neck awkwardly, the silence making him nervous, "and honestly I can't have my manservant walking around barely clothed…," Arthur felt his face heating and rushed to correct himself, "I mean, if you caught the flu Gaius would have my head and the knights wouldn't be too pleased either…" he trailed off, trying to read Merlin's expression.

"Thank you." Merlin smiled warmly, taking pity on Arthur's stammering.

"You're welcome." Arthur replied, relieved as the tension dissipated.

"I just have one question." Merlin said, a smile playing around his lips that Arthur knew from experience meant trouble.

"What?" Arthur almost squeaked, covering it at the last second and managing to force it out calmly.

"Why red?" Merlin was smirking now and Arthur wondered, not for the first time, if Merlin could genuinely read his thoughts.

"What do you mean?" Arthur hedged.

"Well, red is your colour," he continued and Arthur swallowed, mouth suddenly dry, "I know that you know that I like blue and I also know that if this was just about appearances then there wouldn't be a scarf because there isn't a scarf with any of the formal robes so," Merlin stared, an emotion Arthur recognized but was almost too scared to name blazing from his face, "why red?"

Arthur swallowed again and tried to make his voice sound even. "Because red is my colour and I…you're…" Arthur faltered, eyes flitting frantically between Merlin's and the scarf between them.

"I'm…?" Merlin prompted.

Arthur summoned up the little courage he had left and finally laid his cards on the table.

"Mine." He said simply, as if it explained everything. As if it even came close to describing all that Merlin meant to him.

Merlin seemed to be looking for something as his eyes scanned Arthur's face and Arthur prayed to all the gods he could think of that Merlin found whatever he was looking for because he didn't think he could actually explain to Merlin just what that word meant to him.

Merlin stood up and Arthur's eyes tracked him as he made his way around the table and stopped in front of him, dropping to his knees.

Arthur couldn't look away as Merlin hesitantly leaned forward, settling between Arthur's legs, and brought both of his hands up to rest on either side of Arthur's neck.

Arthur felt himself slouch down and lean into his touch, closing his eyes as their foreheads bumped gently together. They breathed each other in and just basked in the moment.

It was strange to Arthur that they'd spent so long dancing around this, because he knew now that Merlin felt everything Arthur did.

Their position right now was so very different yet felt so familiar. It was intimate and innocent all at once.

Arthur felt Merlin pull back slightly and forced his eyes to reopen, momentarily breathless as he saw the fond happiness practically glowing all over Merlin's face.

"Yours."

Arthur laughed, almost giddy with relief and joy, before pulling Merlin back and pressing a soft kiss to his mouth.

The kiss was hesitant at first as they learned each other but soon became heated. Merlin's hands moved from Arthur's neck to his hair, tugging and scratching as Arthur groaned at the shivers that they sent down his back.

Merlin moved from the floor to Arthur's lap and Arthur decided he'd have to pass a law preventing Merlin from ever leaving it again.

They rocked against each other and Arthur slowly started to lose his grip on whatever control he had left. He pulled his lips from Merlin's and panted, trying to clear his head enough to think.

Merlin placed wet, messy kisses to Arthur's neck and after a few minutes Arthur finally found his voice.

"Need…bed…" He gasped, apparently his brain was too far gone to form complete sentences.

Merlin laughed and pulled back. "Your wish is my command, Sire."

Arthur groaned at the loss of his kisses, "Now you start listening!"

"It's all about the motivation, Arthur."

"I'll remember that."

"The only thing you'll be remembering for the next few hours is going to be my name." Merlin almost growled, giving him a hot and very dirty kiss.

Arthur hardened at the show of possessiveness and kissed back with his own promises of what was to come.

* * *

a/n: Thanks for reading, any kudos and/or comments are much appreciated and I hope you enjoyed this fic :D


End file.
